No Seat Left For Me.
...By Tracy Shave
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder last December after several years of trying to get help. I was 18 when I first sought the help of my GP only to be told that I was too young to have any problems and to take evening primrose oil. I remember spending most of my life feeling like I was an outsider looking in on the world and there were no seats left for me. I didn't fit.
I didn't tell anyone what I was feeling and after the trip to the doctors I didn't feel I could. I finally found a doctor that seemed to understand when I moved and the only way he did this was by way of my writing. I wrote to him when at a very low place explaining how I felt, describing my depression as being locked in a cupboard with no way out with my thoughts and the voices that argued in my head.
I was prescribed medication but when well again, now moving towards mania, I would stop taking them and believe that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was cured! I also suffer from PMS which is made extreme by the bipolar and therefore I could never keep a job or hold onto any relationship.
I was referred to the Mental Health community worker at the GP surgery whose job is to assess you and refer you to any of the relevant organisations. I ended up seeing him on a regular basis for about a year because even he didn't know where I belonged. In 1998 I had run up debts of £12,000 which after a stint in hospital with chronic asthma my father paid for and I was to pay him back each month. Some time in 2000 I was given an assessment by a psychotherapist who believed that analytical cognitive behavioural therapy was the way forward for me and was put on a waiting list. In the two years that I waited for this therapy I lost 3 jobs, went through 2 relationships, nearly killed myself once, the house I was renting burnt down, I became homeless and then I found out that I was pregnant. When I finally got the therapy I had a baby on my own at the age of 27 and was living in a Parent and Child project (shared housing).
The therapy lasted about a year, a year of hard work and lots of writing and at the end of it he thought that I would benefit from group therapy so I was put on a waiting list in 2002. I started this therapy this year, 2006, and it will take two years to complete. During all this time I started to do research into mental health illnesses and after reading a leaflet my MIND about manic depression it was like reading my life. The spending, the feelings of self power to start new things and take on new projects, always juggling then suddenly being unable to wash let alone work, these were all symptoms I recognised. Promiscuity, lack of needing sleep then wanting to sleep forever was all too familiar to me.
I did an online assessment at a mental health web site which resulted in my having an extremely high risk of bi-polar. I took this to my GP who referred me to a psychiatrist. I had Bipolar Disorder II, * and I was rapid cycling at the time switching from aggressive to depressed and elation all in the same week, sometimes the same day.
I was given medication to take along side the antidepressants I was already taking and sent on my way for six months. The medication made me drowsy and within 10 minutes of taking them I was asleep. I could not drive or function at all once I had taken them. My son, 3 at the time missed preschool and was left to pretty much get on with it as I sat like a zombie, if awake at all.
I decided to stop taking the medication when after 6 weeks there was no change and Jamie needed me and I needed myself back. I couldn't function like that, what would be the point? My mania keeps me going, setting up Two Hands Plus was a result of a manic period when I had buckets of confidence and I couldn't run the group as a numb recluse that didn't want to talk or see anyone let alone step out of the front door.
I have been prescribed something else since, Depakote**, which my Doctor says he has no reports of making people feel like a zombie. I was sent to the hospital to give blood so that my kidney and liver could be tested before I started taking them. If I take these will my mind work and my body start to suffer?
This can't be right, and I couldn't risk the process of getting them into my system, which is always hard on this type of medication or antidepressants. Who would look after my son IF I was a zombie? How would I continue my work at NEST and Two Hands Plus without the confidence and energy I have when well or manic?
I did some research into the treatment of Bipolar disorder as part of my job as Editor for NEST's publication Linking Hands and Nest News and started to come up with alternative solutions. I referred to "Dealing with depression naturally" by Syd Baumel and decided to deal with this problem without taking the medication.
I now take Agnus Castus a herb that aids mood stability, Magnesium 300gms to aid my hormone in balance, Omega oil, 3, 6 and 9 (fish oil, olive oil and evening primrose oil), Vitamin B6 and Multivitamins. I have started to change the way I eat so in time I will have these vitamins more in my diet, I have looked at my lifestyle and set limits to the amount of time I am working on the computer, going to bed no later than 2am (was sometimes 5am and up at 9am), I go to group therapy, and will be starting to exercise more - you can't change it all at once! (That ones the hardest one but I will do it).
So far this seems to be working, but like all medication it will take time and I may need to change something along the way depending on the illness stage. I regularly write in a diary and although I do not know when I am manic I no longer feel tense, or angry. In fact this month was the first time I had PMS, usually lasting up to 10 days, for about two days.
My psychiatrist wants me to take the medication he prescribed me but I don’t want to be a zombie in this lifetime – or any other. To me if you take away the drive and enthusiasm that I have then there is no point. I won a Special Recognition Award for my volunteer work from the Volunteer Center last month and I have to agree with Stephen Fry in the BBC’s Secret life of a manic depressive; I would not want to press a button that would take it away either.
I want to learn to deal with it and to manage the illness, not take a tablet for the rest of my life that stops me being me and now when I stand on the outside looking in I can see clearly the empty seat in amongst the others with my name on it. There may be an L plate on the back but at least there is finally a seat for me.
*Bipolar II Disorder
Bipolar II Disorder is characterized by one or more depressive episodes accompanied by at least one hypo manic episode. A hypo manic episode is defined as a distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the person’s non-depressed mood. Hypo manic episodes have symptoms similar to manic episodes (found in Bipolar I Disorder), but are less severe. In general, hypo mania is not severe enough to cause notable problems in social activities, work or to necessitate hospitalisation, and there are no psychotic features. When four or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, a person is said to have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Some people experience multiple episodes within a single week, or even within a single day. Rapid cycling tends to develop later in the course of illness and is more common among women than among men.
Bipolar Disorder, also known as a "manic-depressive illness" or "manic depression", is a complex mood disorder characterized by dramatic mood swings - from hypo mania and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. Bipolar Disorder typically develops in late adolescence or early adulthood. However, some people have their first symptoms during childhood.
** Depakote etc. (Divalproex / Valproic Acid)
Liver problems, which can be severe, may develop on Depakote, especially in the first six months of treatment. Problems with white blood cell count and blood platelets, which can also be severe, may also develop on this medication. Blood tests to monitor liver function and blood cells are an important part of treatment with Depakote. Other common side effects are nausea, drowsiness, and dizziness - but for some patients these conditions lessen or go away over time. Weight gain and skin and hair problems may also occur, including rash, hair loss, and itching.
...By Tracy Shave
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder last December after several years of trying to get help. I was 18 when I first sought the help of my GP only to be told that I was too young to have any problems and to take evening primrose oil. I remember spending most of my life feeling like I was an outsider looking in on the world and there were no seats left for me. I didn't fit.
I didn't tell anyone what I was feeling and after the trip to the doctors I didn't feel I could. I finally found a doctor that seemed to understand when I moved and the only way he did this was by way of my writing. I wrote to him when at a very low place explaining how I felt, describing my depression as being locked in a cupboard with no way out with my thoughts and the voices that argued in my head.
I was prescribed medication but when well again, now moving towards mania, I would stop taking them and believe that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was cured! I also suffer from PMS which is made extreme by the bipolar and therefore I could never keep a job or hold onto any relationship.
I was referred to the Mental Health community worker at the GP surgery whose job is to assess you and refer you to any of the relevant organisations. I ended up seeing him on a regular basis for about a year because even he didn't know where I belonged. In 1998 I had run up debts of £12,000 which after a stint in hospital with chronic asthma my father paid for and I was to pay him back each month. Some time in 2000 I was given an assessment by a psychotherapist who believed that analytical cognitive behavioural therapy was the way forward for me and was put on a waiting list. In the two years that I waited for this therapy I lost 3 jobs, went through 2 relationships, nearly killed myself once, the house I was renting burnt down, I became homeless and then I found out that I was pregnant. When I finally got the therapy I had a baby on my own at the age of 27 and was living in a Parent and Child project (shared housing).
The therapy lasted about a year, a year of hard work and lots of writing and at the end of it he thought that I would benefit from group therapy so I was put on a waiting list in 2002. I started this therapy this year, 2006, and it will take two years to complete. During all this time I started to do research into mental health illnesses and after reading a leaflet my MIND about manic depression it was like reading my life. The spending, the feelings of self power to start new things and take on new projects, always juggling then suddenly being unable to wash let alone work, these were all symptoms I recognised. Promiscuity, lack of needing sleep then wanting to sleep forever was all too familiar to me.
I did an online assessment at a mental health web site which resulted in my having an extremely high risk of bi-
I decided to stop taking the medication when after 6 weeks there was no change and Jamie needed me and I needed myself back. I couldn't function like that, what would be the point? My mania keeps me going, setting up Two Hands Plus was a result of a manic period when I had buckets of confidence and I couldn't run the group as a numb recluse that didn't want to talk or see anyone let alone step out of the front door.
I have been prescribed something else since, Depakote**, which my Doctor says he has no reports of making people feel like a zombie. I was sent to the hospital to give blood so that my kidney and liver could be tested before I started taking them. If I take these will my mind work and my body start to suffer?
This can't be right, and I couldn't risk the process of getting them into my system, which is always hard on this type of medication or antidepressants. Who would look after my son IF I was a zombie? How would I continue my work at NEST and Two Hands Plus without the confidence and energy I have when well or manic?
I did some research into the treatment of Bipolar disorder as part of my job as Editor for NEST's publication Linking Hands and Nest News and started to come up with alternative solutions. I referred to "Dealing with depression naturally" by Syd Baumel and decided to deal with this problem without taking the medication.
I now take Agnus Castus a herb that aids mood stability, Magnesium 300gms to aid my hormone in balance, Omega oil, 3, 6 and 9 (fish oil, olive oil and evening primrose oil), Vitamin B6 and Multivitamins. I have started to change the way I eat so in time I will have these vitamins more in my diet, I have looked at my lifestyle and set limits to the amount of time I am working on the computer, going to bed no later than 2am (was sometimes 5am and up at 9am), I go to group therapy, and will be starting to exercise more -
So far this seems to be working, but like all medication it will take time and I may need to change something along the way depending on the illness stage. I regularly write in a diary and although I do not know when I am manic I no longer feel tense, or angry. In fact this month was the first time I had PMS, usually lasting up to 10 days, for about two days.
My psychiatrist wants me to take the medication he prescribed me but I don’t want to be a zombie in this lifetime – or any other. To me if you take away the drive and enthusiasm that I have then there is no point. I won a Special Recognition Award for my volunteer work from the Volunteer Center last month and I have to agree with Stephen Fry in the BBC’s Secret life of a manic depressive; I would not want to press a button that would take it away either.
I want to learn to deal with it and to manage the illness, not take a tablet for the rest of my life that stops me being me and now when I stand on the outside looking in I can see clearly the empty seat in amongst the others with my name on it. There may be an L plate on the back but at least there is finally a seat for me.
*Bipolar II Disorder
Bipolar II Disorder is characterized by one or more depressive episodes accompanied by at least one hypo manic episode. A hypo manic episode is defined as a distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the person’s non-
** Depakote etc. (Divalproex / Valproic Acid)
Liver problems, which can be severe, may develop on Depakote, especially in the first six months of treatment. Problems with white blood cell count and blood platelets, which can also be severe, may also develop on this medication. Blood tests to monitor liver function and blood cells are an important part of treatment with Depakote. Other common side effects are nausea, drowsiness, and dizziness -
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September 2006